I Don’t Know What I’m Doing

The Vulnerability of Following Jesus

It's really powerful when leaders show their weaknesses. As we head towards Holy Week, I have recently been reminded of Jesus in the garden weeping and asking that the cup be taken away from him. He didn't want it. It is so comforting to me that even Jesus got overwhelmed. We lose people when we portray leadership as perfect and leaders as exempt from encouragement, assistance, advice, strength, etc. And yet our Lord and Savoir showed us leadership through weakness (humility) and, in turn, promised us the same:

And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:9

I was praying and venting to God about feeling helpless and exclaimed to him in frustration, “You have all the power!” I felt the Spirit hit the brakes. Apparently, he gave us all power and access to the kingdom or something?

So don’t be afraid, little flock. For it gives your Father great happiness to give you the Kingdom.

Luke 12:32

It was a good moment of pause mid-rant for me. So, my situation seems immovable, but I have power. Prayer and fasting are how I choose to exercise this power and remind God fervently that he is good and kind. Fervent prayers burst through to heaven. They penetrate whatever glass ceiling is blocking the way. So does fasting. There is a reason they call it “breakthrough.”

I often get paralyzed waiting on God to guide, clarify, and “show me.” I recently learned that clarity can become an idol, wanting to “see” first before moving forward. That is the opposite of faith and free will. We are not robots waiting for maker God to press the “on” button daily. Instead, we come self-starting. I heard God say that he has given us dominion to live our lives. The first command was to be fruitful and multiply for humanity to grow, create, and expand. We are still hardwired to do that.

There is a type of holiness in Christianity that becomes a prison of immobility. You are too holy to move without hearing God. Often, it’s too scary not to hear him and still move. But everyone else has to make decisions with little insight into the outcome and on plain faith. Occasionally, you will get a prophetic word that reveals a future outcome, but I am unlearning my charismatic theology, that this is, in fact, occasional. And yet, “occasional” is different for different people. For some, it is once a week; for others, it’s once a year.

Now, this is not to be confused with the stream-of-consciousness conversations you can have with God all day long. That is prayer and speaking with God and hearing from him. Rather, I mean getting prophetic instructions as you go about your day: “Eat cereal, not bacon and eggs; wear the green jacket, not the blue; put on sneakers, not flats; take Ming Ave and not Gosford St,” etc. You can see how paralyzing that would be for the human condition. And yet, I still actually believe some are hearing and living that way. I imagined that is our Christian expectation of life. But it seems so exhausting and robotic.

What Does Jesus Say About Faith?

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

Mark 11:24 ESV

This verse has always been remarkable to me. How can Jesus say this so casually? Does he not know that people will actually do this? It gave rise to the “name it and claim it” Word of Faith movement, to which I once briefly subscribed. The scripture now takes on new meaning to me: what do you want for your life? That is what I hear Jesus ask me. I have given you life so that you can do something with it. I have given you a book with wisdom on how lives are lived well and also not so well. You have a choice on whether to follow it or not.

Follow.

Another hard invitation. Follow where? How? When? How do I know I’m doing it right?

Faith.

I am comforted by the fact that, in hindsight, the more blissful and childlike I am in my faith, the more guidance and leading I sense. Like my Ebenezer post on how to wait on the Lord, waiting and following are similar. They work best if you have faith in the outcome more than the process.

Dear Lord,

We don’t often know what we’re doing.

We hesitate, capitulate, ruminate,

Instead of living life in full trust,

that you will lead us.

Help us have this faith of which you speak of in the Bible.

Amen